Golden Globes - 1/16/11

We all know that the Golden Globes are ridiculous.  Everyone drinks heavily (Tom Hanks??) and no one seems to know what the Hollywood Foreign Press Association actually is (Christian Bale and Robert De Niro).  How can anyone take a show seriously when Dame Judi Dench and Jennifer Love Hewitt are competing in the same category?  Who didn’t get nominated?   Apparently, only Jessica Rabbit and Snooki. 

Ricky Gervais had a tough road ahead of him after his monologue bombed.  I loved him, but he should have realized that Tom Cruise is too powerful for people to laugh at when cameras are rolling.  I wish they would have cut to Nicole Kidman, looking embarrassed but all-knowing. 

Like any awards show, the banter was ridiculous and uncomfortable.  Poor Alec Baldwin – he’s so amazing as Jack Donaghy but even he couldn’t make J-Lo seem interesting or literate.  Plus, I thought she looked better in the L’oreal commercial.  Tina Fey and Steve Carell were the best because they probably wrote it themselves, if only they had taken that route with Date Night. 

When will Steve Buscemi get any respect?  I know he won in the strongest category, but no one knows how to pronounce his name.  It’s Bu-sem-i, not Bu-shem-i.  If you don’t believe me, he was in a Simpsons episode where Homer loses his license and has to walk everywhere (Brake My Wife, Please) and Steve introduces himself.  He looked knowingly at his wife when Kevin Bacon said it wrong.  Then, Milla Jovavich squealed “Steve Bushemi” when he won and the announcer repeated the mistake as he walked to the stage.  I wish Steve would have corrected everyone in his speech, but he’s probably just used to it.  The only person who said it correctly was Terence Winter, the creator of Boardwalk Empire, because he knows him and pays attention.

Natalie Portman has an interesting couple of weeks ahead of her.  Will the far-too-numerous commercials for her horrible Ashton Kutcher movie hinder her chances at winning an Oscar?  Just ask Eddie ‘Norbit’ Murphy as he dusts his Golden Globe and the place where his Oscar could have been.  After the shitty rom-com finally comes out, Natalie will be appearing as the girlfriend of Thor.  She definitely has picked the wrong time to sell out.  Annette Bening is probably starring in a Mother Teresa bio-pic or narrating a documentary on poverty in Canada.  I don’t want to see those either, but for vastly different reasons.

Welcome back to relevance Michelle Pfeiffer and Kevin Spacey.  Please take Justin Bieber and Zac Efron with you when you return to obscurity.

There weren’t many surprises, outside of Robert Downey Jr.’s comments on the vibe of the show.  I hope he wrote that himself – it adds to his mystique.  The big surprise was The Tourist being nominated at all, much less as a comedy.  That whole category sucked – Burlesque, Alice in Wonderland??  Easy A and Scott Pilgrim VS. the World are far better movies.  And I’m confident saying that without actually having seen Burlesque and The Tourist. 

I was a little shocked at the amount of shoulder pads in dresses.  Jane Fonda was wearing a Barbarella-esque prison outfit, while Anne Hathaway donned sequined puke.  And Angelina Jolie reminded me of the Carol Burnett skit where Scarlett O’Hara walked around with the curtain rod in her dress. 

In closing, thank you to Sly Stallone for spoiling the end of The Fighter and to Matt Damon for proving he’s not nearly as charismatic as George Clooney.  And a sincere thank you to Robert De Niro for acknowledging that Little Fockers is a piece of shit.  The first two were as well – please stop making them!