Random Lists about TV

5 shows that save the summer

•  Breaking Bad – You don’t mess with Heisenberg.
• Curb Your Enthusiasm – I would love to have the balls to social assassin everyone I know.
• True Blood – Eric Northman.
• Louie -  Funny in the awkward, horrifying way.
•  Rescue Me –  It's ready to be over.  The women are awful caricatures of real people.

5 shows that have jumped the shark and need to end:

•  Desperate Housewives – Thankfully, it’s ending in 2012.
•  Entourage - I gave up 2 years ago.  I was going to watch this season until I found out Andrew Dice Clay was on it.
•  Grey’s Anatomy - Even though I’ve never seen an episode, I know it’s time for it to go.
•  House – FOX wouldn’t sign Cuddy to a new contract, so let’s wrap it up.
• Two & a Half Men - Ashton Kutcher should just take over the role of Charlie Harper like they do in soaps and on Bewitched.

5 shows I should have been watching from the beginning:

•  Friday Night Lights – I love it and I’m starting season 4 tonight
• The Good Wife – I got through a couple of season 1 discs – it’s pretty good.
• The Mentalist - Tina Fey mentioned it on 30 Rock, so that’s good enough for me.
• Sons of Anarchy – This will be the next show I stream on Netflix.
• Fringe - I watch every other sci-fi show, but have never made an effort with this one.

5 shows that hardly anyone (I know) is watching, so I have no one to talk to them about:

• Nurse Jackie - just my Aunt Judy – awesome show and your life is worse without it.
• Nikita - only Loretta and Jason – I think it’s badass.
• Bored to Death – no one at all, someone check it out on OnDemand.
• V – Karen and Mark, but now it’s canceled which makes this moot.
• Hung – again no one.  I like Thomas Jane, and the show is alright.

5 shows I watch but don’t really tell people:

• Drop Dead Diva – It’s not so bad.
• Mike & Molly – I worked with Billy Gardell once and I really liked Melissa McCarthy on Gilmore Girls, but the laugh track is painful.
•  The Biggest Loser - I fast forward through everything but the challenges and the weigh-ins.  Go cry to your mama because I don’t want to hear it!  I gave up when they brought in Anna Kournikova!
• Memphis Beat – I really like Jason Lee even though he lip-synchs and is a Scientologist.
• Reruns of The New Adventures of Old Christine – It’s on constantly and I watch them all.  I've switched to 30 Rock and The Big Bang Theory.

The 5 Worst Emmy Snubs:

• Merrit Wever, Nurse Jackie – I don’t know if she is that dorky and strange in real life, but she is absolutely brilliant.
• Garret Dillahunt, Raising Hope – He’s the best part of the show.
• Nick Offerman, Parks & Recreation – He’s great in an amazing ensemble cast,  but none of them get any love because Modern Family hogged all the nominations.  And Jon Cryer again, really Emmy people, really?!?
• Cougar Town – It’s so much better than The Office, Glee and The Big Bang Theory.  Move past the title; it’s really just a bunch of friends drinking and ripping on each other.
• Joel Kinnaman, The Killing – He was so squirrely and untrustworthy and he’s from Sweden!

If TV had Razzie Awards, the 5 nominees would be:

• Evan Rachel Wood, True Blood – Her character is dead now because she was a giant hambone.
• Rutina Wesley (Tara), True Blood – I hate this character and actress.  Please be violently killed soon.
• Gwyneth Paltrow, Glee – She’s so hacky and showy, and stop annihilating Prince songs.
• Matthew Perry, Mr. Sunshine – He must have gotten a headache from raising his eyebrows so much.  Plus, he is one of the few men that is aging poorly; he looks like a bloated owl.
• The guy that plays Vince Maranto on Mike & Molly – I apologize to the character’s namesake who is a good comic, but he is too cheeseball to ignore.

5 questions that need to be answered as soon as possible in the upcoming television season:

• Who killed Rosie Larsen?  We should have found out in June.
• Why is Mac fat?  I'm so intrigued by the commercials.
• Will Jules get pregnant?  Please no, we all know that babies ruin everything, especially TV shows.  And Courteney Cox is 47.
• Will anyone remember what happened on Mad Men when they finally air a new episode?
•  I have a thousand questions about what will happen in Game of Thrones, but my main concern is will the wolves survive?

My Ideal Emmy Nominations

The Emmy nominations are announced tomorrow, so here are my ideal scenarios.  I don’t watch every show on TV, but I certainly try.  Some shows that I have yet to get into and will not be represented in my picks are:  The Good Wife, Friday Night Lights, Justified, Sons of Anarchy, Fringe, Treme, Men of a Certain Age, Blue Bloods, and Parenthood.  And I don’t watch any of those cop shows that have spin-offs.

Best Comedy:

30 Rock

Community

Cougar Town

Modern Family

Nurse Jackie

Parks and Recreation

Raising Hope

I can’t decide between them, so there are 7.

Best Lead Actress in a Comedy:

Toni Collette  - United States of Tara
Edie Falco - Nurse Jackie

Tina Fey - 30 Rock

Laura Linney - The Big C

Martha Plimpton - Raising Hope

Amy Poehler - Parks and Recreation

I have trouble calling The Big C a comedy because some of the scenes have been so sad – Marlene’s death and when her son found the storage locker (absolutely brutal).

Best Lead Actor in a Comedy:

Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock

Steve Carell – The Office

Matt LeBlanc – Episodes

Joel McHale – Community

Jim Parsons – The Big Bang Theory

Bradley Whitford – The Good Guys

I’m kind of sick of The Big Bang Theory and Sheldon but there were not a lot of choices.  Bradley Whitford was awesome, and chances are, you never even watched that show, so shut it!

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy:

Tamsin Grieg – Episodes

Jane Krakowski – 30 Rock

Christa Miller – Cougar Town

Anna Deveare Smith – Nurse Jackie

Phyllis Somerville – The Big C

Merritt Wever – Nurse Jackie

I had to leave off a ton of people – all the broads from Modern Family, Jane Lynch (I’m kind of over Sue Sylvester anyway), and everyone on Community.  Plus, I think Busy Phillips is good on Cougar Town, but that’s the character she always is.  Christa Miller is the female highlight of that show, right Dime-Eyes?

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy:

Ty Burrell – Modern Family

Garret Dillahunt – Raising Hope

John Benjamin Hickey – The Big C

Justin Kirk – Weeds

Mike O’Malley – Glee

Nick Offerman – Parks and Recreation

I can't believe how many people I had to exclude - the rest of the casts from Modern Family, Parks and Recreation, Community, Oliver Platt,  Charlie Day, Simon Hedberg, John Pankow, Jack McBrayer and Ian Gomez.  Impossible choices. 

Best Drama:

Boardwalk Empire

Dexter

Game of Thrones

The Killing

Mad Men

The Walking Dead

Best Lead Actress in a Drama:

Mireille Enos – The Killing

Lauren Graham – Parenthood

Lena Headey – Game of Thrones

Elisabeth Moss – Mad Men

Anna Paquin – True Blood

Sarah Wayne Callies – The Walking Dead

This was one of the weakest categories for me because I don’t watch a lot of female-based dramas.  I was almost tempted to bump up some supporting actresses into this category, but I heeded the Academy's guidelines.  I know I don’t watch Parenthood, but Lauren Graham was never nominated for The Gilmore Girls, so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Best Actor in a Drama:

Sean Bean – Game of Thrones

Steve Buscemi – Boardwalk Empire

Michael C. Hall – Dexter

Jon Hamm – Mad Men

Hugh Laurie - House

Andrew Lincoln – The Walking Dead

No big surprises – I’m sick of House though, but couldn’t find anyone better to take his place, even though Jim Belushi was eligible for this category.  

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama:

Jennifer Carpenter – Dexter

Emilia Clarke – Game of Thrones

Michelle Forbes – The Killing

Christina Hendricks – Mad Men

Kelley Macdonald – Boardwalk Empire

Callie Thorne – Rescue Me

So Julia Stiles doesn’t count for Dexter in this category – Boo!  Callie Thorne deserves an Emmy from the 2009 episode where she talked about the towers falling and when she knew Jimmy had died.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama:

Billy Campbell – The Killing

Peter Dinklage – Game of Thrones

Jared Harris – Mad Men

Vincent Kartheiser – Mad Men

Joel Kinnaman – The Killing

Denis O’Hare – True Blood

I do love me some Eric on True Blood, but Russell Edgington was one crazy badass.  Jonny Lee Miller is considered a ‘special guest actor’ on Dexter, so I had to exclude him.

Everything will be decided in a couple of hours.

Glee

This season of Glee has been really erratic with way too many scattered plotlines.  Santana’s a lesbian?  Puck’s dating Lauren?  Gwyneth Paltrow ruins a Prince song?  Rachel wants a nosejob?  Kurt returns to McKinley?  Sam is poor?  Gwyneth is back again?   Boo-urns.  And let’s not forget that they covered Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours and did not sing ‘Second Hand News’ or ‘Gold Dust Woman’.  Double Boo-urns.  However, with the latest episodes ‘Prom Queen’ and ‘Funeral’, the show is good again just in time for Nationals.  Plus, and I am not really embarrassed to say, I love Jesse St. James.  I can’t explain it, but I totally heart him.  I know Jonathan Groff was mentioned in that Newsweek article about gay actors not being able to play straight.  I can get beyond the fact that he’s gay but I don’t think that Glee’s costume department is helping.  That skinny scarf he wore in his first scene back did not exactly scream straight man.  I know he’s into show choir and theatricality but even Kurt would have been like “Really, Jesse, really?!?”  So Jesse’s back (YAY), but now he’s super dumb.  “I was majoring in show choir.  I assumed they would have as Asian guy take math and English and scientific for me.”  We already have a Brittany (“How many M’s are there in the letter R?”), Jesse just needs to be judgmental and snarky.  Bring on Nationals!  

Killer scarflet, dude!

Thursday shows – 3/17/2011

Strangely, the theme for tonight’s shows was genocide.  And I know I'm late - stupid work.

Community – “Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy”

Recap:  Shirley wants Chang to sign away any parental rights while Troy and Abed try to keep Britta from banging their new friend.  This was one of my least favorite episodes ever – no big laughs and too much Chang.  A major detraction/distraction was Joel McHale’s horrible Bieber-esque, faux bedhead, douchebaggy hairstyle.  It ruined the whole show.  After Jeff “Nipple-play” Winger came back from jogging, his hair still hadn’t moved.  I am seriously disappointed in a fictional character.  It’s not as bad as when Spike tried to rape Buffy, but it’s in the top 10.  Please return to the regular, smarmy spikiness that he had on The Soup on Friday.  As always, Troy and Abed’s interactions were the highlight of this sub-par episode.  They groaned and complained in unison as Britta awkwardly tried to interact with Luka (Victor from Dollhouse!), their new video game friend and former wearer of hats made out of babies.  She acted way more socially retarded than Abed ever has.  Let’s hope the Pulp Fiction episode next week can live up to the minimal amount of hype it has received.

• Best Line:  “If they’re left-handed, I want to know about that.  I’m making a chart.” – Abed telling Britta the details she can give about their mutual friends
• Runner-Up:  “I really got Jewish personed out of that one.” – Pierce being politically correct
• Genocide Connection:  Luka misses ethnic cleansing in the Balkans - setting villages on fire and seeing the rivers turn red with their blood.

Parks and Recreation – “Harvest Festival”

Recap:  The Harvest Festival has arrived as well as a curse from the local Native American tribe. Love and deep-fried food is in the air in Pawnee:  Leslie and Ben flirt by pretending to shoot one another, Ann makes out with a carny and April drops the L-bomb on Andy.  Apparently, everyone gets a little excited whenever Lil Sebastian  (and his shockingly huge mini-horse erection) is around.  Episode highlight – the look of pure joy on Ron’s face whenever Lil Sebastian was around.  PS – I agree with Ben and don’t get it – “He whinnied!”

• Best Line:  “No, we all behave rationally and believe we are in charge of our own destinies.”  Leslie describing Pawnee’s belief in curses
• Runner-Up:  “There are a lot of people who don’t consider salad food.”  Leslie on why the salad stand shouldn’t be placed on Deep Fried Alley
• Genocide Connection:  The Wamapoke tribe was slaughtered on the place where Leslie wants to place the shooting gallery.  They didn’t have any weapons.

30 Rock – “Queen of Jordan”

Recap:  Angie’s reality show takes over and makes everyone look stupid (usually more stupid).  God, I hate reality shows.  I know this is a fake one, but it seems like it could be real and it makes me angry that people would actually watch something like this.  I did love some of Sherri Shepherd’s comments –“Who the %^$# are the Beatles? – Haaaammm – That’s just white people nonsense.”   But it’s definitely time to get Tracy back from whatever he’s doing in Africa and get this reality-show nonsense behind us.  I hate when my fake boyfriends look bad – stay strong, Jack!

• Best line:  In the opening credits, it read “Written” by Tracy Wigfield.
• Runner-Up:  “If this show insists on portraying me as a clumsy, gay flatulent, that’s fine because I am extremely secure in my athleticism, masculinity and anal integrity.” – Jack on why reality shows suck
• Genocide Connection:  Jenna sees no problem with her new website - Jenna’s side.com.

Best Picture Nominee Rankings

Voters are supposed to rank the Best Picture nominees, so here are mine with a mini-review.  Beware of possible spoilers.

1. The King’s Speech – It’s one of those lovely British films filled with haughtiness, grandeur and unexpected humor.  I don’t know if I could stand to hear those guttural throat sounds again though.

2.  The Fighter – Just a really good movie.  I became suffocated by that horribly ugly, trashy family; I don’t know how anyone could survive them.  Did any of those sisters have jobs?  They all just hung around in that small house smoking, drinking and judging.

3.  Inception – Yes, it’s a little hard to understand, but it was pretty effin cool.

4.  127 Hours – I sat next to an annoying woman who showed up late, and then gasped, cringed and rocked herself every time they showed a drop of blood.  What did she think this movie was about?  It does make you think about what you would do in this situation and what kind of strength you could muster.  I know I would never ride a bike 20 miles to walk around in caves, so I think I’m safe, but still.

5.  The Social Network – I didn’t like this movie as much after the second viewing.  They are not likable people and the film manipulated a lot of the truth.  I still don’t understand why MySpace and Friendster died and Facebook took over; they all kind of suck.  I don’t care if you’re at the store or what you had for dinner - keep your tedious, daily minutia to yourself.

6.  True Grit – The abrupt ending was really haunting.  It overshadowed the rest of the movie, and I left kind of sad.  But I left in a hurry because of the loud and awful song that played over the credits.  It was ear-piercingly terrible and totally out of place.

7.  The Winter’s Bone – A very frustrating movie from a feminist’s perspective, though I have very little experience in the meth world.  I am very thankful I have never had to skin a squirrel for food.  I’ve done it for fun, but who hasn’t? 

8.  The Kids Are All Right – I liked it, but do lesbians really hop into bed with dudes so quickly?  Plus, he seemed kind of smelly.

9.  Black Swan – It’s hard to enjoy movies that trick you into thinking that things happened – of course we’re fooled, we had to watch what you showed us.  However, I was very disturbed by several parts (not the sex scene (which didn’t actually happen!?!)).  I don’t know if I liked it, but it definitely stayed on my mind.

10.  Toy Story 3 – This is quite possibly the saddest movie ever made.  I am a borderline hoarder with a Peter Pan complex, so this movie destroyed me.  And not in a funny, growing-up-is-hard-to-do way – I was completely devastated from beginning to end.  Except for the part where the toys prepared themselves to die in the incinerator - that was a little deep and unnecessary for a ‘kid’s’ movie.

Thursday shows - 1/27/11

Community – “Celebrity Pharmacology 212”

Recap:  Annie produces a ‘Say No to Drugs’ play for the study group to perform for 50 at-risk preteens who are armed with commemorative baseballs and hopped up on leftover Charleston Chews.  Drugs and children is another one of those chicken or the egg type quandaries.  The play consists of Troy and Abed in random bee costumes, Jeff and Britta as the Cool Cats (Pee Wee’s Playhouse reference?), a pot leaf Pierce and Shirley, for reasons never explained, dressed as a green crayon.   I don’t mean to stereotype but doesn’t Troy already have a front stinger?  The already bad play goes awry when Pierce financially manipulates Annie into giving him carte blanche of the script.  He gets a big head when the clearly below-average children laugh at his showboating – “I love you, drugs” and that’s before he gets to his ‘penis material’.  Chang takes a beating for the team, proves he’s actually crazy to Shirley and made a creepy face that haunts my dreams.  Fun Facts:  Annie lives above Dildopolis and Jeff proves he’s sexy in a coffin.

• Best Line:  “I thought drugs just made people custom-paint their vans and solve mysteries.” – Abed
• Runner-Up:  “That’s my landlord and if he wanted to rape you, you’d be raped.” – Annie to Pierce

Parks and Recreation – “The Flu”

Recap:  Pawnee is taken over by the flu, just as Leslie needs to convince local businesses to support the Harvest Festival.  This episode illustrates the well-known fact that men and surly, spoiled post-teens are pansies when they are sick.  Due to the flu, Rob Lowe’s character was brought down to human level for Ann and April begins to warm up to Andy after a sweaty forehead kiss.  The best part was the interaction between Ron and Andy.  Ron gets Andy to take over for April even though she is "the whole package – aggressively mean and apathetic."  They have never spent too much time together, but they ate meat, talked sports, played catch and shared an uncomfortably long hug.  Ron even giggled as they ran away from the blaring car alarm.  Sidenote, Nick Offerman had a fairly decent throwing motion, much better than most actors, especially those kids on Community.  He’s starting to become my new fake boyfriend now that Brendanawicz is gone.  I know he would hate my vegetarian liberalness (as would Jack Donaghy) and my aversion to moustaches, but the flame has been ignited. 

• Best line:  “I worked with a guy for 3 years and never learned his name – best friend I ever had.  We still never talk sometimes.”  Ron Swanson on working with women
• Runner-Up:  “No one dresses up as a janitor when they want to be slutty.”  April about Ann’s job

The Office – “The Seminar”

Recap:  Andy hosts a small business seminar at the office in an effort to boost his sales productivity.  Ricky Gervais made a cameo appearance at the beginning of the episode – is that just a tease or is he actually considering taking Steve Carell’s place?  His movies haven’t really done anything and no one was happy with him at the Golden Globes, but would be return to the job that made him famous in America?  He would have to adjust to the length of our seasons – 22 episodes, not 6.  Why do they do that?  As soon as you start liking a show, it’s over after 12 episodes.  Anyhoo, all the ‘good’ speakers backed out when they saw the lame crowd, so Andy had to rely on the fringe office members.  Kevin threw up, Creed spoke about the Loch Ness monster, but Kelly the Business Bitch saved the day with a call from an inappropriate professor.  In the secondary plot, Erin reveals she’s too dumb to function as a human being.  I know not everyone can excel at Scrabble, but “it doesn’t just have to be cow stuff, right?”

• Best Line:  “I like the early parts of the movies when they have a perfect family.” - Erin reviewing The Shining, Rosemary’s Baby and The Ring
• Runner-Up:  “Practice the Olympics.” – What Michael’s Greek character does in his spare time.

30 Rock – “Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning”

Recap:  Jack tries to corner the market on celebrity disaster telethons and Tracy is an immature idiot officially named ‘Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.’  Tina Fey has cemented her spot as my hero by valiantly trying to prove how much reality shows suck, while still pining for the ‘golden age of scripted material.’  God, they really do suck so much.  I would rather watch any scripted show, except According to Jim, than reality TV.  Who cares what these brain-dead, fame-hungry assholes think, say or do?  Pageant moms, drunken Jersey sluts, rich-bitch housewives, more sluts competing for the fake love of a man-slut – who effing cares?   How can people (Mark) listen to their self-indulgent, blabbering gibberish?  It hurts my brain and my soul.  Please, all of you, quietly kill yourselves.  Back to a show I love, I almost snarted at the Charles Widmore reference and Mel Gibson is going to be super angry when he finds out people think he’s a racist.

• Best Line:  “It was our highest ratings since that episode of SVU where the detectives watched American Idol.” – Jack Donaghy proving TV has been ruined
•   “I’m as happy as a clam that wants to kill some woman.”  Tracy trying to keep his cool for the cameras

Thursday shows - 1/20/11

Thursday night is my favorite night and Community has become one of the top comedies on TV.  How could I not love a show that constantly references movies and TV?  Joel McHale is awesomely snarky and who knew he was so ripped?  I know comedians and 99.9% of them don’t look like that without a shirt.  The vignette that plays over the credits is usually a highlight, but stupid Comcast always cuts out too soon.  ‘Troy and Abed in the Morning’ is a slice of heaven.  I’m going to incorporate smiling and hoisting a mug to a non-existent camera into my daily life.  Welcome back, Malcolm-Jamal Warner!  You looked so handsome in your Cosby sweater, though you did put Skittles back in the bowl (and bang a stripper).  Boo to Prof. Duncan for being on the wagon (see House) and to featuring way too much Chang.  Let’s dial back on the name puns.  Chang it up.

• Best Line:  “Somebody’s been finding river fingers with a cute boy.” – Britta to Annie
• Runner-Up:  “He’s 30-something; he has a landline and uses the word ‘album’.” – Annie about Rich    

I know people think that Parks and Recreation is a too-similar reincarnation of The Office and it kind of is, but I prefer this format to the generic, laugh-track sitcoms that dominate CBS.  How will I know what’s funny unless canned laughter tells me – lame.  WTF happened to my faux-boyfriend Paul Schneider?  So Mark and Ann break up and he’s off the show completely and no one even mentions him?  Super-Boo!  I do like the new Adam Scott former 18 year old mayor character but Rob Lowe is hamming it up way too much.  Thankfully, he always leaves shows abruptly, so maybe I won’t deal with him for very long.  Poor Andy, he went from watching Ann date Mark to watching April date a Latin stud.  Maybe another Gatorade shower will help.

Best Line:  Anything on the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness

-Stillness – Don’t waste energy moving unless necessary.

-Skim Milk – Avoid it.

-Torso – Should be thick and impenetrable.

-Body Grooming – Only women shave beneath the neck.

I hate to say it, but The Office has jumped the shark.  I don’t know when it happened.  I would say the baby, but thankfully, her exposure has been limited.  They are trying to prepare us for Steve Carell’s departure, probably with Holly, but most of the other characters are becoming tiresome too.  Dwight is played out and Ryan’s a total douchebag.  Jim and Pam are done because we all know that people who have a baby become 75% less fun and interesting.  That’s not an opinion, that’s science.  They need to focus on the super-supporting characters like Creed and Kevin.  More episodes should feature Creed’s f-bomb-filled tirades.  They should check his blog, Creed Thoughts, for some new ideas.

• Best Line:  “A day which will live infamously.”  Michael about Holly’s possible engagement (Three Amigos anyone?)

30 Rock is my favorite show of the night and this episode addressed the will-they-or-won’t-they issue.  Of course, Liz and Jack won’t and they never should.  It would ruin their dynamic and I think it would make each of them throw up a little.  I am worried about the impending baby (see The Office) but at least they will be hiding Jane Krakowski’s real-life pregnancy.  I guess they’ll dust off Jenna’s fat suit and the ‘Me want food’ sketches.  I really hope that Sherri Shepherd is not going to join the cast because even fake reality shows make me sick.

• Best Line:  “Entertainment is where untalented people go to get rich.  You have all the makings of a reality superstar:  hair pullingness, delusions of grandeur, an insanely short fuse, catchphrases.” – Jack to Angie
• Runner-Up: “You have no reflexes, your blood tastes like root beer and some of your bones have vanished.” – Dr. Spaceman about why Tracy is going to die.

The Big Bang Theory is another show that is getting a little played out.  Leonard and Penny are broken up after it took 2 years to get them together, so he’s back to pining for her.  And her stupidity seems to be getting more ridiculous and cringe-worthy – “The periodic table is a table, why can’t there be food on it?” – really???  Raj still can’t talk when women are in the room and Sheldon shows no interest in anyone but himself.  The only character evolution is that Howard has a girlfriend but thankfully, his pants remain low, tight and oddly colored.  Stay strong, Howard!

• Best line:  “Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone’s toilet routine.” - Sheldon 

Golden Globes - 1/16/11

We all know that the Golden Globes are ridiculous.  Everyone drinks heavily (Tom Hanks??) and no one seems to know what the Hollywood Foreign Press Association actually is (Christian Bale and Robert De Niro).  How can anyone take a show seriously when Dame Judi Dench and Jennifer Love Hewitt are competing in the same category?  Who didn’t get nominated?   Apparently, only Jessica Rabbit and Snooki. 

Ricky Gervais had a tough road ahead of him after his monologue bombed.  I loved him, but he should have realized that Tom Cruise is too powerful for people to laugh at when cameras are rolling.  I wish they would have cut to Nicole Kidman, looking embarrassed but all-knowing. 

Like any awards show, the banter was ridiculous and uncomfortable.  Poor Alec Baldwin – he’s so amazing as Jack Donaghy but even he couldn’t make J-Lo seem interesting or literate.  Plus, I thought she looked better in the L’oreal commercial.  Tina Fey and Steve Carell were the best because they probably wrote it themselves, if only they had taken that route with Date Night. 

When will Steve Buscemi get any respect?  I know he won in the strongest category, but no one knows how to pronounce his name.  It’s Bu-sem-i, not Bu-shem-i.  If you don’t believe me, he was in a Simpsons episode where Homer loses his license and has to walk everywhere (Brake My Wife, Please) and Steve introduces himself.  He looked knowingly at his wife when Kevin Bacon said it wrong.  Then, Milla Jovavich squealed “Steve Bushemi” when he won and the announcer repeated the mistake as he walked to the stage.  I wish Steve would have corrected everyone in his speech, but he’s probably just used to it.  The only person who said it correctly was Terence Winter, the creator of Boardwalk Empire, because he knows him and pays attention.

Natalie Portman has an interesting couple of weeks ahead of her.  Will the far-too-numerous commercials for her horrible Ashton Kutcher movie hinder her chances at winning an Oscar?  Just ask Eddie ‘Norbit’ Murphy as he dusts his Golden Globe and the place where his Oscar could have been.  After the shitty rom-com finally comes out, Natalie will be appearing as the girlfriend of Thor.  She definitely has picked the wrong time to sell out.  Annette Bening is probably starring in a Mother Teresa bio-pic or narrating a documentary on poverty in Canada.  I don’t want to see those either, but for vastly different reasons.

Welcome back to relevance Michelle Pfeiffer and Kevin Spacey.  Please take Justin Bieber and Zac Efron with you when you return to obscurity.

There weren’t many surprises, outside of Robert Downey Jr.’s comments on the vibe of the show.  I hope he wrote that himself – it adds to his mystique.  The big surprise was The Tourist being nominated at all, much less as a comedy.  That whole category sucked – Burlesque, Alice in Wonderland??  Easy A and Scott Pilgrim VS. the World are far better movies.  And I’m confident saying that without actually having seen Burlesque and The Tourist. 

I was a little shocked at the amount of shoulder pads in dresses.  Jane Fonda was wearing a Barbarella-esque prison outfit, while Anne Hathaway donned sequined puke.  And Angelina Jolie reminded me of the Carol Burnett skit where Scarlett O’Hara walked around with the curtain rod in her dress. 

In closing, thank you to Sly Stallone for spoiling the end of The Fighter and to Matt Damon for proving he’s not nearly as charismatic as George Clooney.  And a sincere thank you to Robert De Niro for acknowledging that Little Fockers is a piece of shit.  The first two were as well – please stop making them!